Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
