There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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