Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We need to get me chipped asap
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
