Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just pee around me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
