tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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