dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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