Who did Billy Mays play for?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
