I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
