we're chasing vodka with high fives
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
