Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
