I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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