Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
