I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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