she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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