There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
