how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
