I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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