I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
