i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
