and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
