Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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