I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
