i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
