Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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