I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
