I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
