worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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