Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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