I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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