Swine flu. Run for my life!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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