Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
