TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
