Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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