I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
