If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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