Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
