Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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