i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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