She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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