i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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