In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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