i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
