Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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