i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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