I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
