DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
