Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
