Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
