I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
