we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
