I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
