Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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