so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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