It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
There r osticjed everywhere
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
