just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
